Day Seven - Apples are tasty again!?

It's the final day of this dreaded diet and, through some bizarre twist of fate, I feel absolutely fine - good, even. I've had four apples today (the most I've managed on any given day of this week) and a 2L carton of orange juice. I feel satisfied, bright and reasonably high on energy. Apples are beginning to taste all right to me again, which seems crazy, but since it's the last day I'm not too bothered. My mother exclaimed that my skinny jeans were falling off me when I arrived in earlier (carefully missing her delicious Sunday dinner, although the remnants scattered on plates around the kitchen almost brought a tear to my eye). My grandmother muttered something about me being a stick to begin with (not true) and my grandfather asked for more dessert (damn him).

Other than that, this has been an all right day. The scorching weather made it easy to drink lots of water and juice, meaning that I felt full for most of the day without actually ingesting much. Although this week has been difficult, it hasn't been hell either. D's diet (if one can even call it that) of maple syrup, cayenne pepper and sea-salt water sounded a lot more miserable. I think I got off kind of easy. H's juice cleanse sounds like a fun way to do it, too. The worst is probably the baby food diet. I feel like that might make me ill... Anyway, this diet wasn't too bad in the end. I missed all of the foods I couldn't eat, but it was nice to discover new juices (M&S do some great ones) and get more fruit into me (or only fruit, as the case may be).

Throughout this week I have learned a few valuable lessons:

• Crazy, crash diets suck - seriously, they do. I can't understand why anybody would be so desperate as to put him/herself through such shit in order to lose a few pounds that will be quickly gained back once he/she reverts to eating properly once again.
• Depriving oneself of a food (or most foods, in my case) is horrible - moreover, it doesn't work. I found myself craving food and drink that I didn't even like, or have on a regular basis. I wanted the bad stuff even more. What's the point of that!?
• The body needs a certain amount of food for energy - I was dead on my feet this week. My body was running on empty, and I could feel it. I couldn't work out, my brain was slower than usual, my attention span sucked, my vision was blurred at times and I looked and felt like death. It definitely wasn't worth it to lose a few pounds.
  

And so, it seems the moral of the story (or my story, at least) is that this diet, in particular (although I am against all crazy, crash diets) does not work. It made me tired, pale, weak, frail and moody. I was hungry pretty much on a constant basis, I missed running and eating and feeling healthy and being full of energy. I didn't feel like me, which was weird.

As for weight loss, in total I lost four pounds this week, which is crazy but not necessarily incredible either. With how crap I was feeling, I would've preferred to have lost a stone or two to make up for all of the misery I put myself through. Like I said, I cannot understand the attraction to doing something like this. It doesn't speed up the metabolism, the weight loss wasn't huge and I felt like shit.

But, despite all of that, I had fun! This was an interesting experiment, and it wouldn't put me off subjecting my body to something like this in the future (just for fun, of course). It was interesting to see how my body reacted to such a severe shift in diet, and how it affected the rest of my life. And, above all else, I learned what I knew all along - the only way to lose weight/maintain a healthy body weight is to eat right and exercise on a regular basis. Now that this week is over, I will go back to doing so.

Day Six - Feels like day 106

The hunger is now ridiculous. Apples are making me so nauseous I was retching this morning at 4AM. I have no appetite, but at the same time I am starving. Everything around me smells delicious - even the foods I wouldn't normally eat. I have no idea what I'm going to eat when this is all over on Monday, but I know that it's going to be a lot.

I want to cheat so badly, but I know that if I do I'll feel even worse. Besides, I've come this far. I'm trying to be as upbeat as possible, but it's difficult when I'm so low on energy. I don't feel particularly skinny, I look like the walking dead and I'm definitely not happy. I miss my protein and I miss running and, above all else, I miss the feeling of having eaten a decent meal and being nicely full, but not stuffed, and definitely not wanting for more (the way I do now after an apple - how can one piece of fruit even be considered a meal!?).

I know I'm not an advocate for this diet, perhaps because I've been stressed to breaking point this week and not eating has made me feel even worse. But even so, I cannot understand why anybody would choose to do this to him/herself. A friend of mine told me about the soup diet, which sounds a lot more enjoyable than this one. However, something I've learned during this week is that, whatever I deprive myself of, I want even more, and living on one food is absolutely miserable no matter what it is. Maybe it would be better if the weight was falling off me, but it isn't. Perhaps I'm supposed to be working out every day too, but I know my body wouldn't be able to put up with much exercise right now so I don't know how that would work either...

One more day to go and then I can go back to being regular, healthy, cardio-obsessed Joey. Tune in tomorrow to hear how much weight I've lost (complete "Shocking results" headline with emaciated photo of me) and what I've learned from this whole experience...and please, please, eat whatever it was you're thinking about eating right now. And enjoy every bite.

Day Five - Feeding the turtles sucks

I'm writing this from the comfort of my boyfriend's room (otherwise known as the crypt), where sadly his two adorable turtles are gorging on the dinner I've just fed them in the tank right next to me. I'm so very sad. Even their little turtle food pellets look appetising to me at this stage.

So! I handed in my radio project today, which felt awesome. My mother listened to it last night and loved it, which was pretty cool. Fingers crossed I'll get a good mark for it anyway. Speaking of my mother, she FINALLY got the good apples today which made me way too happy. I was nearly jumping up and down on the spot at the prospect of eating tastier apples, which is just pathetic. Is this what my life has become?

Despite the fact that I was delighted to have nice apples, when I bit into one it was disgusting. I couldn't finish it, which brings my food total today to one and a half apples. Isn't that insane? I don't think I've ever eaten this little in my entire life, and my body doesn't know what to do with itself. My stomach is cramping up like crazy, my energy levels are erratic at best and...it just sucks. My body is used to loads and loads of cardio, and big, protein-heavy meals. Without any of that, it just feels like it's going crazy.

I can't wait to have a big feed on Monday... I'm fantasising about all of the food I'm going to eat, even though I know that I'll have to ease myself back into eating again..

Two days left! Why is everybody having spaghetti bolognese for dinner!? Why meeee!?

Day Four - If a week could be divided in two, this would be the halfway point...sort of

So technically, I'm pretty much at the halfway point now, and although this week has been hell (in more ways than one), I'm actually feeling pretty good. I'm still very, very hungry, but it's become more of a gnawing ache than a full on crushing pain, which I'm taking as a good sign. And my mother has promised to get me the best apples for my last few days so yay! I handed in my dissertation today AND finished off my radio project too, which makes me feel even better. I had to sit in BK with Saz for a bit today, which was quite torturous. But I survived without jumping behind the counter and eating all of the deliciously greasy burgers waiting for the lucky customers to gorge on, so that has to mean something!

I've realised this week how much shit I eat without even realising. I was sitting at a computer in the library on Tuesday and I started thinking about how, if I weren't on this diet, I'd probably be eating chocolate for no real reason apart from to make working more enjoyable. I wouldn't usually think anything of it, but now I'm realising that that's a completely ridiculous reason to be snacking. Chocolate isn't the worst thing to eat, but it isn't the best either (especially when I'm not even sure I want it). I work out a lot, which is why I can afford to eat anything I want (within reason) but still...snacking is dangerous, and it's only now that I'm realising how much of it I'm doing without even thinking.

I haven't been craving many "bad" foods today. Mostly, I've been thinking about tuna sandwiches on wholemeal bread, mussels, prawns...spaghetti bolognese...oh god I miss spaghetti bolognese the most...it's my absolute favourite meal. Drizzled in parmesan, with some garlic bread on the side... (I realise that's not a particularly healthy meal, but I don't care). I made sure to skip dinner tonight because I knew it'd be my favourite. I'm craving it so badly! Urgh... Maybe I should stop writing about food. It's probably not doing anything for my cravings.

Only three days of this torture left...

My energy levels were surprisingly high today. I was able to run quite a long way to catch my bus, which I was quite pleased about. I slept really deeply last night, for the first time in ages, which probably had a lot to do with my ridiculously exhausting day, but even so it was quite lovely! I hope it can be repeated tonight, even though I know it's still going to be quite difficult to fall asleep with the hunger pains in my stomach.

I'm spending the whole weekend with my lovely boyfriend, and I'm just hoping he won't tempt me with too much yummy food (his house is filled with delicious treats) so that I can finish this on a high. And then pig out big time! Gaining the weight back is going to be so much FUN!

Also, on a totally unrelated note, I saw Mairead Farrell filming her bit for "The Republic of Telly" on Grafton street today and, I'm ashamed to say, I was quite starstruck. She's really beautiful in person, and so much skinnier than she looks on TV. Maybe she's on the same combo diet as me (no, no she's probably smarter or more sophisticated than that).

Three days left! Eep!

Day Three - Apples are no longer appetising

So it's day three, which is supposed to be the worst day of this diet (or most diets, I guess). Today, in general, was pretty tough but I'm not sure exactly how much of that I would attribute to my being on a diet..

I finished up my dissertation this afternoon and rushed it down to the binding place almost on time. This required sitting in the library from 10AM until just after 4PM, while running back and forth printing chapters and desperately hoping the printer didn't die on me. I had planned on printing everything off at home last night, but my mother couldn't get an ink cartridge anywhere and I didn't have the time or energy to pick one up for myself. It was a hard slog, made even harder by the fact that I had nothing to eat all day besides an apple. I should have eaten two, but the second one just looked so disgusting that I couldn't force myself to eat it. Anyway, it's all done and dusted now. Nine months of work that may amount to everything or nothing depending on how well my research holds up.

But back to the diet! I've neglected to mention until now that a rather amusing side effect is that I have to go to the toilet practically ever hour. Today, I chose not to do so until about 5PM and I paid for it with ridiculous stomach cramps and bloating. I had a bottle of juice for dinner and was made fun of by someone eating a packet of Skips (an evil, evil man with a lovely plaid shirt). These past few days, every time I've been speaking to somebody and he/she has started to mention something about food or eating, he/she always cuts off in mid-sentence and then looks away very ashamdely, like "Oh god I'm so hun- Oh..." or "I just had dinner, I'm sooo fu- Oh..." It's pretty funny, and strangely enough, it doesn't make me think of food. Everything else makes me think of food. I was standing at the bus stop this evening and I swear I could smell the packet of crisps that the guy next to me was eating. It was so bad I wanted to lick his fingers (okay not that bad, but it was still awful). What's even stranger, is that I rarely even eat crisps. I have the odd packet (or tube of Pringles, ahem) here and there, but I wouldn't usually be standing at the bus stop eating some. So why did I feel like I should be!?

I don't feel weak, but I'm not particularly energised either. That may have a lot to do with the amount of work I've been doing this past couple of weeks, but it definitely isn't helped by the fact that I'm living off...well...apples. Urgh...even writing the word makes me feel ill. I don't know whether it's the fact that the apples my mother bought for me are disgusting, or because they're all I'm eating, I'm really sick of them, but either way I can barely stand the thought of one. I have to wait until I'm starving, but then directly afterwards I feel sick again.

I'm beginning to wonder why the hell anybody would put his/her body through this torture. I don't even think I've lost any weight! My mother tells me I'm like a walking skeleton, and that all of the colour has gone from my cheeks but she's been against this from the start (she takes it as an insult that I'm not eating her dinners this week). My boyfriend is against it too, but he hasn't seen me since Monday so he has no reason to complain (yet). Even so, he's encouraging me to stick with it, just for the laugh (yeah right). One of my best buds, Noodles, thinks I'm acting like a lunatic, while another, Dill, thinks I'm doing it out of some bizarre, hidden desire to lose weight. Both have offered to feed me once it's all over. Bless their hearts.

Oh god I miss eating...urgh... But I'm not hungry. This is so strange...

Day Two - It's beginning to kick in, Ted

Let's see, it's exactly 6:35PM as I type this, I am in the library working on my dissertation (and have been since 10AM this morning - kill me now) and I figured I should post something here before my head explodes. This is what I call a break.

It's day two of this mad diet and I am feeling...light, as in light-headed and light around the waist. It probably sounds crazy, but I swear these drainpipes are looser on me than they were before. Maybe I just haven't washed them in a while, I don't know. But for now, I'm going to assume it's because the weight is dropping off me (which it probably isn't). O told me today that you burn off an apple while you're eating and digesting it, which means I'm probably not getting any nutrition whatsoever this week (apart from the vitamins in the juice, and the water which helps keep me running too, of course). O has been a serial dieter for years, much like myself (and D too, I think).

I've hated my figure for as long as I can remember, since I was a teenager probably. I've always been boyish and short, which means small boobs, small bum. Most women would love that, but I have also been trying to shift weight from my thighs and middle for the greater part of my life. I have tried EVERYTHING. I starved my way from the ages of 14-18 but, of course, it came back even worse. It took a major turning point in my life, around the age of 20, for me to change my ways and start doing things properly. These days, I do at least an hour of cardio a day, I eat a hell of a lot of protein and drink litres and litres of water. I indulge sometimes, too (which is why I'm definitely not a size zero). I love chocolate, I love pizza, I love going out to dinner with all of my friends...shit this is making me hungry... Where was I? Oh yes! I've lost a whopping two stone since my first year of college, almost a stone of which I lost while on Erasmus in Germany (while doing mad aerobics classes for 90 mins, three nights a week). I think I'm happy now, but I'm not quite sure. If I ever get sick of working out, I'll stop. But for now, it keeps my head and heart clear and my waist (relatively) small.

So! Day one of this diet was pretty crap. I felt very weak and had dreadful headaches. The apples were delicious when I got to those stages of being almost sick with hunger, but the thought of one afterwards was disgusting. I had to interview a couple of cute teenage girls in a Mc Donalds in Bray too, which wasn't fun. I don't even like Mc Donalds. I had it at midnight with some buds after the WWE Raw show a few weeks back, but only because it felt like the right thing to do after a night of screaming at wrestlers. Usually I despise it, but last night I wanted it more than anything.

I woke up this morning feeling fine, although I went to bed with an aching tummy. I had an apple and some apple juice for breakfast, but once again I was hungry before I even got to college. It was midday before I ate another apple (through some miracle). And then four before I had another (although it turned out to taste awful and have weird crunchy bits in it so I only ate half). Now, I'm on my second juice of the day - orange and Alphonso (say what?) mango from M&S. The dude who works at the express checkout there thinks I'm anorexic - he asked me this morning why I think lunch should only consist of juice...

So, anyway, I'm feeling okay. I'm a bit weak, but at least I missed my mother's delicious Tuesday dinner (pesto pasta with garlic bread and chicken caesar salad on the side - yuuuuum!). I'm trying to distract myself, but I've been thinking about food all day. I have cravings for food I don't even like - beef, for example, and beetroots (not together, although right now even that sounds yummy). I want pasta, Subway, BK, pizza, chicken caesar salad, fried chicken, Butler's hot chocolate, an M&S tuna sandwich, sushi, chocolate...oh god, chocolate would be so good...

I'm off now to fantasise about all of the delicious foods that I cannot have. Gah!

Day One - Intro

So...where to begin...

This is a mad experiment that I've volunteered to do as part of my journalism course. There are a load of us doing it, but only one has successfully completed it (as far as I'm aware). So far, no deaths!

The task is this - go on an insane, ridiculous diet for a week, blog (and vlog) about it and see what happens. D did the crazy maple syrup one, brave woman that she is. I could never do a pure liquid diet, I'd get too bored. Even so, one of the main components of my chosen mad diet is liquid.

I've elected to do a combination of the juice cleanse and the apple diet. Neither alone sounded particularly exciting so I've decided to combine them. That and I'd have to eat meals on the apple diet, which I think kind of defeats the purpose. So that's it, one week with nothing to survive on but pure fruit juice, apples and water. I may treat myself to an M&S smoothie one of the days, but for the moment I'm going to be quite strict about it. I think I can do it. I won't say for definite that I'm not going to cave around day three, but as of now I feel pretty confident.

So far today I've had two apples, a glass of apple juice and half a bottle of water. I feel fine. I was starving around midday, since I'd consumed my breakfast (an apple and some apple juice) around 8AM. But now, I feel grand. I have another apple in my bag, along with two bottles of juice to gorge on (if it's possible to gorge on juice).

Let the games begin!